So I knew grief was coming over today. I was expecting him early but he didn't show. I even wondered if he would come for me at all as I was busy making last minute clay paw prints for the kids.
As I was leaning over to pick up my dog that last time he jumpped out from no where and stopped me.
I said, "Please don't hurt me." He calmly said, "I only show you what is inside you."
And that was when I took heart and said, "I can do this because I am made of courageous things and I believe in the circle of life. I eat animal products on a daily basis, I am brave, I got this."
Then I got in the car with my old pup on my lap, my Corny boy, my first ever dog... and Grief exposed that the real me did NOT actually WANT to be brave!! It wanted to stop time and be irrational, beg God and internally talk incessantly about what ifs.
⚠️But I am a logical person...It's just an animal...what are you doing to me Grief???
"I only show you what is inside you."
When our family walked into the vet office, Grief again exposed how upsetting it is to see my family's hearts breaking. Hugging each other comforting each other tearfully. Why did the trembling words from my child, "You were a very good boy", make me feel like I could no longer breathe? Why does a tear from my husband make me want to fall apart? This is so heavy!! Grief, I wanted to avoid this VERY FEELING!! How could you? 😡
Then Grief showed me that I was...well...a weirdo. I began to joke about all the times when our dogo did wierd stuff, my husband joined in. Are we all laugh crying? What. Is. Happening?
The vet came in and explained a few things and that's when it happened. Grief exposed my BLAME. Oh this was a back stabbing betrayal of ...myself!!
I really hadn't anticipated blame, at all because he was fairly old. Oh but MAYBE I could have done more??? Uhhg, just stop. I had no idea I could be that mean. 💢💔
Then, Grief stepped up very close and wrapped us all in its arms showing our combined courage in the face of horror as our good boy passed. We held on to him until he was gone. My soul unexpectedly wanted to scream out, "WAIT!! I WANT TO TAKE IT BACK!! Give me 5 minutes, 2 more minutes."
But it was over.
My son, Zack wont have his cute 'dog & master' reunion video at the end of his 2 year mission. There will be no more wet nose cuddle begging or dog tricks. It's so cold to know there are no more precious moments.
Except when there is.
Grief showed me that I was capable of visualizing heaven and peace for my good boy. 🐕 I was capable of small moments of extinguishing my pain as I trusted in God and counseled my kids to focus on their trust in God too....but then these moments were generally interrupted with a bitter sweet memory that opened up a flood gate of tears.
How is it that we forgot to eat a single thing today? Hey Grief, I'll tell you what's inside me, an empty tank! Zero energy.
He gently told me, "People do that when they grieve."
As we left, I felt like there should have been a formal grand funeral procession. "The best dog ever has died!" The world needs to know!! What a wierd thing to think, why am I so wierd again, Grief?
Grief showed me that I clearly needed something to do with all my sadness. My husband and I shoveled some dirt as the cows gathered around to watch.
I and asked each child to shovel too, and after that we each put in our handful of dirt in his grave... Then later, I went for a 3 mile walk in the dark with my sister. What a blessing that was. Good call Grief. Time to write this post because again it's something to do.
Grief showed me that I believe in God and the after life, that I am a feeling human being who wants the very best for anyone under my care and that this wasn't just a dog, a simple animal, but a member of our family.
Grief is still at our house. I am not sure how long he is supposed to stay. I am so tired of seeing into what we are made of.
However... the box of cookies on the doorstep and a few mini banana creme pies from loving friends/family also allowed Grief to uncover my deep gratefulness for loving people in my life. 💓💓💓
Thank you, I know it was a 'just dog' but also...
🐾 He was our family love in physical form. 🐾